Sunday, September 16, 2007

How to buy a crappy house

Buying a bad house involves several factors, so here are a few:
  1. Pay too much - That's a no brainer, you simply need to pay them more than the house is worth. In this market, it's pretty easy as house prices are dropping.
  2. Buy a house in need of TLC - Why buy an immediately livable space when you can get something that needs a total rehaul?? Here are some other great options of suckiness
    • Mold - smells bad AND causes disease, double bonus!
    • 30+ year old wall paper - hard to remove, horrific looking, and highlights your lack of taste
    • Odors - why settle for one odor that makes you recoil when you can get 5?
    • Rusty appliances - I want my fridge old, rusty, smelly and very very costly for energy bills
    • Serious decay - Sure, bad smells and mold aren't fun, but to the extra mile and find a house that has cracked walls, or even a leaking foundation with water damage. If you want to wrack up those tax write-offs for fix-ups, here's your gold mine
    • Many many cats - why settle for a house that smells good and has no damage, when you can get one that has an odor you can't remove? Any animal that will soak the walls and floors with urine is a double bonus.
    • Neighbors - this is an extremely easy way to ruin the resale value of your house. Don't just limit yourself to hillbillies, expand your horizons with the multi-family house, the "enviro-friendly" lawn with 2 foot high grass, the Mr. Fix it with his carS in the front lawn, or pull a very "Brady Bunch" front yard sporting fake grass

So in short, make sure to optimize the negative features of your future home. Lots of upgrades, lots of money to be spent, etc....


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